Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
