dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
