My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
