my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
