The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
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Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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