Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
