dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
