My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
