I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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