i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
