Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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