he puts the penis in happiness.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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