I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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