I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
