Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
