WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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