We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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