Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
