he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
