I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
sick fucks of a feather flock together
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
