Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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