Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
