yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
