The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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