I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
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I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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