And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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