wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
