Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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