Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
