you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
