Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
