I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
