how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
