It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
