If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
