if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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