Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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