You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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