At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
