I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
