woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
