I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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