Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
if only i could text you this smell
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
