I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
