he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
