We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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