We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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