the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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