i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
