In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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