Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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