did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
