I heard we made out
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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