Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
