I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
