Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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