if i can run in heels then i can drive
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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