guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
