my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
