Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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